Echo Chamber

To say that my heart resonates with yours,

Would be an understatement.
The more I listen or read your words
The more I want to follow you to the ends of the earth.


Even though I don't understand
And my lack of understanding hurts me
I don't blame you
I just want to run to you and sit by your side

It scares me.
Frightens me that my heart has chosen
Against my willpower
To follow yours.

Please...
Treat it gently.
It's the only one I have
And it has already been tortured and beaten before you got it.

Sometimes by my hand
Sometimes by the hands of others I have trusted prematurely
Against all odds and all sense,
I love you.

I know this isn't fair.
You didn't choose any of this
Or maybe you did
In some way that neither of us will understand for years.

I'm willing to wait around to figure it out.
Are you?

Depth

Today
I feel deep
As if my soul
Wants to burst forth
Out of my chest
And shake you by the hand
To comingle with yours
Exchanging
Colors combining
Into a masterpiece
A human work of art
Were I a paintbrush
I'd paint my soul
Across your face
Until you could see
What I see in you
Such love
Such passion
Dark beauty that churns
Boiling over
Flowing
Till I am swept out to sea
Gasping for breath
Drowning
In your blue eyes
I want to climb inside myself
And take you with me
Together
We will explore
The limitless expanse
That houses my love.

Gotta be

I lay my heart open
Thread bare
Holding nothing back
Vulnerable
Go ahead
Hit me again
...
Desperation
Weakness
Neither of which are ok
Ok in general
Just not ok for me
By me
For me
Of me
Neediness
Gotta be strong
Strong for me
Strong for everyone else
Not strong enough
Gotta be
Gotta be there for everyone else
Busy helping
Everyone
Never enough time
To look in the mirror
And realize you hate what you see
Never quite knowing
How to ask for help
Nor how to solve the problem
A flood of tears
Hiding behind a dam of glass
Held together by grass and thread.

Notes from a tired heart

... I got nothing...
Not true
I have too much
But none of it
Seems to want to come out

How do you vent
The exploding emotions
When there is nothing left
To draw from?
Exploding on the inside
Yet empty and exhausted
A paradox

Control

I was doing so well
Everything in its place
Stress and emotions
All handled with grace

My feelings for you
All packed away
In a cute little box
For them to rest and stay

Then you walked by
And smiled at me
Those pent up emotions
All bursting free

Once under control
Now I'm a mess
My heart yelling back
"You can't love any less"

Reflection

I am me...
There's just no getting around that.
Try as hard as I might,
I will never be what I am not
And yet
I would never want anything else.
So why do I sit here
Day and night
Trying so hard
To soften my harsh edges
To fit in that round hole?
Corners are definition.
They make me special
Unique.
Yet why am I surprised
Everyday
When they stare back at me
 In the mirror?

If one can't love themselves,
How can they expect anyone else to either?

Confusion: a haiku

I wonder sometimes,
Why I am the way I am...
I don't understand.

Blatent evidence

I give up
I can't get around
The fact that
The evidence is staring me in the face
I can't ignore it
It's there
Everytime
Every single time

Some days

Some days
It feels like I'm just annoying
Some days
It feels like I am simply a burden
Some days
I wonder why I have friends
Some days
I wonder what my friends see in me
Some days
I just don't care
Some days
I am too broken to make sense
Some days
My mind betrays me
Some days
The cracks show through my armor
Some days
I feel weak
Some days
...
Some days
I wish the day would end so I could go back to sleep
Some days
I wish it was tomorrow already.

Broken

Wham, bam, pow.
There goes my heart
Once beating loud
Proud
Reduced to a drizzle
A fizzle
That eventually went out.
Mood goes up
Then falls again
Down
Down
Down
Crash!
Broken pieces
Lying
Lacking strength
To put them back together
Forever
Lying broken

Leftovers

I see your face.
You walk on by.
You see me hurt
And make me cry.

The silent tears.
I feel them start.
Darkness rises
Breaks my heart.

The pain inside
All black and blue.
An empty hole.
The pain of you.

Grafted veins
Torn from chest.
Nothing left
Except your mess.

Bits of you
Stuck to me.
Open wounds
Continue to bleed.

Lock my soul.
A box of steel.
No more pain
If I can't feel.

Go ahead.
Show me how.
See you try,
To hurt me now.

Once beating heart
A subtle hum.
Stuck and lost
Remaining numb.

Old poems from days gone by (2)

Untitled

Mind is failing

Over-heating

Body flailing

Heart still beating

Terror struck

Eyes glaze over

As darkness falls

A somber cover

Mind shuts down

Heart fills with fright

To welcome the

Oncoming night

I'm burning up

My body freezing

Nothing soothing

Nothing healing

God, please save me

Speed the day

You come to take me

Far, far away

To be with you

Trials completed

Away from this pain

And the conceited

Ripping apart

Between your way and mine

The constant battle

Of Sin vs. Divine

Temptations flare

Out of control

Refine me, Lord

And make me whole

Restless nights

Wake up screaming

Life paralells

The dreams I'm dreaming

With every dawn

Comes another way

For me to sin

And fall away

The guilt I hold

Insurmountable

Can't bear to be held

Accountable

I've failed before

And I'll fail again

Why do I try?
I can never win

Nightmares, terrors

Hide in my head

Blood on my hands

Stained, throbbing and red

Losing all hope

I'm going insane

Can't take much more

Excrutiating pain

Muscles all spasm

Skin starts to crawl

Enveloped in darkness

Chest, rise and fall

Look at my face

You can see where I've been

A trip I make over 

 And over again

The shadow of death

Holds nothing for me

No terrors unseen

No mystery

The sun and its warmth

Makes me wither away

Hide in my hole

In the cold's where I stay

If anyone can hear me

Then don't try to shout

I know where you are

But I'm not coming out

However you scream

However you rant

It's not I don't want to

It's more that I can't

Wherever there's sorrow

Where there's despair

That's where you'll find me

Look for me there

Til then I'll sit here

And wait for the day

That God will come save me

And take me away.

Old poems from days gone by

Rescue

Held hostage in my head
I'm beaten and I'm bruised
Tryin' my best to escape from this mess
I'm just so confused

Too real to be a nightmare
Words play back in my ears
Like some broken tape, there is no escape
Fulfilled my darkest fears

Pain and doubt envelops
With no obvious foe
How can I fight what's not in my sight
I know not where to go

My life a living labyrinth
I'm worse off than before
The more I try, the more I cry
Can't find that golden shore

"Don't worry 'bout tomorrow"
"The time will come someday"
But I haven't a map, still stuck in this trap
What if I can't find the way

Tears and faith run hand in hand
Sitting 'neath the moon
So here I'll wait, accepting my fate
Please... come rescue me soon.