I hate waiting. Im just going to say it flat out.
I know all the right spiritually based jargon that everyone says. "It will come in time" and that I "shouldn't worry" about what God is going to do in my life because He already has it planned out... But in all honesty, that doesn't make the limbo-land of "waiting" any easier.
Yes, I want something lasting, something serious and not superficial, and the only way to get to that place is to wait through all the "wrong sorts of people" until the right one comes along.
But I wonder... How do I know the right person if I'm so busy trying not to fall for the wrong person that I end up just ignoring everyone? How is that helpful?
There are days when I just feel like completely giving up. With all the complex issues I bring to the table, how can I even be a blessing to anyone? I am beginning to know what I want, and the more I understand about what I want (and what I think I need), the more I realize my own flaws and begin, once again, to feel that I am undesirable.
Yes, I know this is not true, and based on my strong exterior, one would never know that I feel so insecure when it comes to this sort of subject. A friend asked me lately why I needed somebody else so badly. And it sort of felt like a slap in the face, I know it wasn't meant that way but it really made me stop and analyze if in fact that was the case... I don't think it is, but now it is a hidden fear that I am becoming desperate or at least appear that way on the outside.
I know that God has had my entire life planned out since before I was born and has continually blessed me... and yet why is it so difficult for me to let go of this part of my life?
UGG... Frustration. :P
Oh well, I guess, like everything else, I will find out in time!
